Into the Real Read online

  It wasn’t a time for explanations or discussion. It was a time for action. With determined steps, I moved across the street, toward the entrance of the cave.

  4

  Caleb was looking at me like I’d stopped speaking midsentence. Behind him and Lia was the mirror.

  Blinking, I said, “I think the other Quinns are on their way to the mirror. The soldier Quinn definitely remembers us. The other is starting to. It’s working.”

  Lia’s jaw dropped. “You’re going to risk your life on what could be a delusion?”

  But her fears were baseless. They had to be. This was it. I had my answer. Only by entering the mirror could my life be my own. Or it would end . . . but I was betting on my gut feeling—on my keen instincts—that I was right and my chosen life lay waiting on the other side of chaos. “I’m going in, Lia. With or without your approval.”

  As I stepped forward, Lia grabbed my arm, but Caleb pulled her away from me and met my eyes, nodding his support. Maybe Lia couldn’t trust what I was about to try, but Caleb had my back—something I never would’ve guessed when we first met. It didn’t matter if he believed me about Coe and the reality shifts or not. This was my journey, my decision, my risk. Caleb got that. And though I wished Lia understood, I was beyond that now. I’d made my decision. I was ready.

  Stepping forward, and ignoring Lia’s cries, I took a deep breath, hoping like hell I’d made the right choice in which life I wanted to live.

  3

  Randall and Valerie stood close together to stay warm in the surprisingly cool cave. Caleb had a smile on his face and Lloyd’s arms around him. As they chatted, debating where we should go and what to do once we got there, I made my way to the back of the cave alone. The moment I laid eyes on the mirror, every moment of my other lives, my other existences, came into crystal-clear focus.

  “It’s about time. Forgive me, the other Quinns are a tad keener than you.” Coe, disguised as the Stranger, with his snakeskin trench coat and nicotine-stained fingers, sucked on his cigarette as he leaned with his back against the cave wall. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever make the connections.”

  My voice was hushed. “I know you. You’re a . . . a . . .”

  “God? In a manner of speaking, I suppose.” If I wasn’t mistaken, the ghost of a smile had appeared on his face.

  I snapped, “I was going to say ‘a monster.’”

  Coe shrugged. “Gods and monsters. There’s such little difference, really. Mostly a matter of opinion.”

  Shaking my head, I said, “This whole time. And you’re not even a person.”

  A low chuckle rattled out of him. “Who is? All the world’s a graveyard and the people merely corpses.”

  I swallowed hard. “As I understand it, I have a choice to make. Survivor, soldier, or myself as I am now. But we’re all the same. We’re . . . I’m . . . genderqueer, and have a choice to make about which life I choose to live.”

  Sweeping his arm across in a grand gesture, he said, “Never let it be said that a late essay doesn’t deserve the highest merit.”

  It made total sense to me now that I’d felt an immediate connection with Valerie. She was transgender, as was I. She was MTF, or male-to-female; I was genderqueer. We shared an umbrella. We shared a cause.

  The other Quinns and I shared a cause as well. We wanted peace. They were at the mirror now, waiting for me.

  No, I thought. We aren’t a plural they. I’m a singular they. And that means I contain multitudes.

  I looked down at my bracelet and thought of Kai—of how he loved me, but couldn’t help me the way he wanted to, the way I needed him to. I had a choice in front of me. Which life to live, despite the pitfalls. More than anything, I wanted to live a life where I was loved and happiness was worth the fight for it.

  When I raised my eyes again, Coe was gone. Of course.

  Smiling, I said, “It’s time, Coe. I’m ready.”

  2

  The mirror looked so much bigger than it had before. Or maybe it was just a trick of my eyes. Its surface gleamed. Its frame appeared sharper at the edges. If I hadn’t felt so unsettled by the sight of it, it might have been a beautiful thing to behold.

  I was so tired. So very, very tired. Maybe it was exhaustion from fighting the war against the Allegiance, or maybe it was something else.

  Coe spoke from behind me, “You’re finally facing the mirror.”

  “As you knew I would, I’m sure.”

  “Have you determined what it is yet?”

  “It’s a puzzle piece.”

  He stepped up beside me, so that I could see him in my peripheral vision. It looked like he was smiling. “But where’s the puzzle?”

  “I’m the puzzle.” Jesus. I was beginning to sound like Coe. “And the picture is starting to come into focus.”

  Coe took a long drag off a cigarette that I hadn’t noticed until now. “Picture?”

  “Of course. It’s always easier to complete a puzzle when you know what the final picture will be.” Biting my bottom lip, I traced the frame of the mirror with my eyes before finally setting my gaze on my reflection. “The only question is, how do I tell which of the three pictures is the real one?”

  He paused, as if waiting for me to continue. When I didn’t, he said, “That would be a very good question, if . . .”

  My chest grew tight. It took me the span of two heartbeats to realize I’d been holding my breath. “If I were looking for three different pieces. But I’m not, am I?”

  Coe didn’t speak.

  “All three mirrors are the same piece of the puzzle, aren’t they?” I had it then, I was sure of it. The answer to the question of which life I wanted to live, and how to choose it. I had to enter the mirror. It sounded absurd, but so did the notion of living three different lives. “It’s not about the mirrors at all, is it? It’s about the person reflected in them. In all of them. Because we’re all the same person.”

  The corners of his mouth curled into an approving smile. “That could be a dangerous assumption.”

  Within the mirror was the reflection of all three versions of myself. Three Quinns stood together, looking back at me. All three Quinns that I knew I was. The Quinn I was here. The one who presented as female. The Quinn who openly presented as genderqueer. There were people I cared about in each life, but only one life could be mine.

  “You’re right. It could.” I turned to face him and held his gaze, hoping he’d see the sincerity in mine. “But danger’s never stopped me before.”

  Backing into the mirror, I kept my eyes on the Stranger until I could see him no more.

  1.3

  Blocking out Lia’s cries, I approached the mirror, but paused to look at my reflection. Reflections. Three Quinns now looked back at me. All three Quinns that I knew that I was. The Quinn I was here. The one who presented as male. The Quinn who presented as female. There were people I cared about in each life, but only one life could be mine.

  None of us looked like monsters, even though we’d each felt that way at times. But maybe we were—at least parts of us. Maybe everyone had something monstrous about them, and survival sometimes depended on tapping into our monstrous side. Maybe the key to happiness was to learn to love every aspect of yourself, monster or not.

  Nervous at what to expect—and not knowing if I could trust a single word that Coe had uttered in all this time—I stepped through the shimmering surface to the other side.

  Colors bled all around me as I moved forward, leaving Caleb and Lia behind in the cave. The silver of the glass melted away, while purples, greens, and white swirled all around me in an indefinable space. There was a distinct absence of sound—even my breath was eerily silent. Everything that wasn’t me churned into a metallic rainbow. It looked as if I were standing in a torrent of wind, but I felt no breeze on my skin, no rustling of my hair. For a moment, I froze, uncertain of what to do next.

  Was this it? Was this oblivion? Had I stepped from the realm of existence to one
of nonexistence? Had I died?

  My chest rose and fell in quick, worried breaths. My heart thumped against my rib cage. I was alive. I had to be. So what did this mean? Where was I?

  Where the hell was I?

  1.2

  I crept close to the mirror, my eyes fixed on it. When I stretched out my hand toward it, the tips of my fingers caused a ripple effect on its surface, as if the glass were liquid. A terrifying thought occupied my mind. What if I drowned? What if this was the end of me, rather than the beginning? I very nearly backed away from it, but then I thought about the decision I had made, and I stepped forward, ready to enter.

  Within it was the reflection of all three versions of myself. Three Quinns stood together, looking back at me. All three Quinns that I knew that I was. The Quinn I was here. The one who presented as male. The one who presented openly as genderqueer. There were people I cared about in each life, but only one life could be mine—and I was ready to live it. I wasn’t running from the monster anymore. I was facing it head-on. Facing my fears. Facing my truth. Even though it scared me.

  The mirror surface churned, looking too much like water. Dr. Hillard’s words flitted through my mind. “We ask forgiveness for this child, oh Lord, that she may be welcomed into your heavenly arms this very night!”

  My heart rate had picked up as I moved forward. It felt as if I were falling rather than walking. Tumbling through the cave toward the surface of the mirror. My body rolled and I saw Coe standing in the cave, a smile on his face. For a brief flash, I locked eyes with him. He said something—I could see his lips moving—but I couldn’t hear him. My body broke the surface of the mirror, but the glass didn’t break. I plunged into it and the silvery liquid enveloped me. It felt more like knives on my skin than fluid. I tried to gulp in air, but there was nothing to breathe in but water and more water, filling my lungs with a heaviness that sent a wave of panic through me.

  I was drowning.

  Colors swirled around me, encircling my limbs, my torso. They entered my nose, my mouth, my ears. Soon there would be no more Quinn. There would be only the mirror. And I would be the mirror too.

  The surface of the water was ahead of me, and I willed my body toward it. My lungs felt as if they were being crushed. But freedom was there—my choice had been made. There was only living ahead of me now. I wasn’t dying. I was choosing to live.

  I stretched out my hand, so close to touching the air I so desperately needed, the life that I wanted.

  1.1

  Sound left me as I backed into the mirror. Touch, taste—all but sight. Colors swirled around my uniformed body. My senses were a calm blur. The sensation reminded me of the quiet moments after a battle had ended, when all that’s left to do is count your blessings. But this was no war. This was a choice. And I knew that I was choosing the right life for me.

  Peace. All I ever wanted was peace. Who knew that it had been waiting within the surface of a strange mirror the entire time?

  Coe had. But this wasn’t about him.

  It wasn’t about Lia. Or Caleb. Or Kai. Or anyone else.

  This was about me.

  1

  The area above my head solidified in a brief, impossible image—a whirlpool of colored water. A girl fell through the liquid to the ground in front of me, coughing and gasping for air. The water was washed away again by the chaos of the place. Her hair was dry, as were her clothes, and when our eyes met, the terror that I’d seen in hers dissolved in an instant. Familiarity washed over us both.

  She was me, and I was her. Of that, there could be no doubt. Her very presence made me feel somewhat more solid.

  As she stood, I stretched out my hand, and she mirrored my movement with her own. We were so close to touching, I could feel the heat of her on my skin. Just an inch apart, we each hesitated. She smiled, her lips lush and pink, and offered an understanding nod. This was it. This was real. I wasn’t dead. I was more alive than I had ever been.

  We intertwined our fingers, holding hands as we gazed into each other’s eyes. I loved her, this girl. I’d always loved her—I knew that now.

  Her body began to dissolve into nebulous specks of lavender. It started with her feet and moved upward, toward the hand I held. Instinct made me tighten my grip on her, but I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. As she disappeared, a tear escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek. It wasn’t sadness that brought the tear, but a strange sense of joy. Her smile never ceased—even as she vanished into nothing . . . into everything.

  There was movement just to my right, and when I turned, I saw a man in a tattered uniform, backing into this place between places. I knew him. Of course I knew him. And loved him. Like the girl, he was a part of me . . . and real.

  When he turned to examine the mirror he’d entered, he noticed me too. For a moment, he seemed stunned, but then an understanding smile touched his lips. He gave a salute, which I returned. Much like the girl, he began to dissolve into flecks of color from the feet up. As his undoing reached his face, he offered me a reassuring wink. Then he was gone.

  I was the only one left. Just me. But it had been that way the entire time. I knew that now. There was only me. There had only ever been me. No matter what body I had occupied. No matter what life I had lived.

  The swirling space around me ceased its movement at once, solidifying into walls that cracked and fell away, revealing coarse rock. I was back in the cave, and the mirror was gone. A single shard of it lay on the cave floor. Caleb and Lia were nowhere to be seen.

  I didn’t need to be told that I wasn’t alone. Turning to face Coe, I said, “You’re a sadistic son of a bitch, ya know that?”

  “I’m no one’s son.” Coe the Stranger grinned. Something black and quivering crawled across his upper teeth. It was the first time I’d seen him without a cigarette. I wondered if his need for it had been satiated by something else.

  A mixture of anger and relief filled me, but there was something else too. I was grateful. For the journey, for the experience. But mostly, for my life—flaws and all. “Why? Why all of this only to bring me here?”

  “I didn’t bring you anywhere. You did.” He cocked his head slightly, holding my gaze. “That is, if you went somewhere in the first place.”

  I pressed my lips into a thin, hard line. “What about Lia’s mom? Did you change her into that . . . that thing? Did you send her after Lia?”

  His response crawled from his throat in a low rumble. “Everything that she had been in the past was her doing—just as everything she did after she’d transformed.”

  “And the transformation itself? Were you responsible for that?”

  “I was, and I take great pride in my work. I pull out of a person that which plagues, haunts, rots them from the inside, and make them face it head-on. Look how well it’s turned out for you.”

  Bristling, I glanced past him to a familiar shape on the ground just yards away. My bat. It was as if it were welcoming me home and offering a potential solution to the problem standing in front of me. “Name one way that you’ve helped me, Coe. You made my life a living hell for your personal amusement.”

  “Make no mistake, mended Quinn. I am not amused.” His dark eyes were fire as insult built up inside of him. “Because of my work, it’s become clear to you that this Brume, this life, for all its challenges, is your home. You learned that you are strong enough to continue on without your family or their approval. But most importantly, you’ve finally realized that as painful as it might be, it’s better to be alone than to chase affection from someone who doesn’t love you that way.”

  “I could have come to all of that without questioning my sanity.”

  “No. You couldn’t. Or else you would have.” He cocked a knowing eyebrow. “I don’t play the game. I merely set the board when the player is in need of it and help them to discover their truest nature.”

  I shook my head. “You’re a monster.”

  He spoke with a biting tone. “Am I, now?”

  �
��If you’re not a monster, then what are you?”

  His calm demeanor returned at once. “I am you.”

  I furrowed my brow in confusion. “Then who am I?”

  “You are me.” A hint of a knowing smile crossed his lips, but it didn’t last for long. I had a feeling he wasn’t screwing with me. “We are Coe. In the end, we are all Coe.”

  “I don’t understand, you self-indulgent psychopath!” I gripped him by the lapels and shook, but he didn’t budge.

  Coe had only brief silence to offer me as a response.

  Releasing the lapels of his coat, I took in an angry, shaking breath. “How long have I been shifting between realities?”

  “Twenty-four hours precisely.”

  Stunned silence filled me. “That can’t be right. It’s been weeks, at least.”

  “Perception is everything. For instance, you perceive me to be a monster, but which of us murdered their own brother? Which of us severed Lloyd’s jugular vein and watched him bleed to death?” His words slipped out in a tone that bordered on gleeful. “You perceive that we are nothing alike, yet we both felt the joy of Lia’s lips pressed against yours. You also perceive that you didn’t choose this journey. That it chose you.”

  I held his gaze, my words crisp. “How am I supposed to trust what’s real and what isn’t?”

  “What is the concept of real, but another perception?”

  My chest heaved. My face flushed with the heat of anger. “I hate you.”

  “I know.” It didn’t seem to bother or delight him. He reacted as if hatred was just another state of being.

  A shimmer caught my attention briefly. The single shard of the mirror that lay on the cave floor. It was like a message from my other selves, to end this forever. “I’m not walking out of here while you’re still alive, Coe. I can’t. I won’t.”

  “Do your worst. Do your best. They are, after all, one and the same.” He spread his arms wide and bowed, tilting his face up so he could offer me a reassuring smile. He knew what was coming, what I was about to do. For Coe, there were no surprises.