Into the Real Read online

  Sadness filled me. Lloyd was the one person I knew who I thought would accept me no matter what I was, no matter how I felt. I was supposed to be able to count on him. Too many of the people I trusted were showing their true colors—colors I had never seen in them before. “Would it matter if I was?”

  “Well, you’re not, so it isn’t even an issue. Right?” He fidgeted some. Seeing it made my heart sink.

  “Right.” It pained me to let the word slip from my mouth, but I could think of no other response to offer my best friend, my closest confidant . . . the man who’d just behaved as though being queer were a communicable disease. “I never wanted this, y’know. I never wanted to fight or to be in the Resistance, let alone be the face of it. I never told anyone. But that’s the truth.”

  He offered only silence, understanding that now wasn’t the time for his input or opinion. He knew I wouldn’t hear either. I couldn’t at the moment. All I could hear were my own thoughts and the soft cracking of my heart. “I’ve been betrayed, Lloyd. Again. How can I support the Resistance when I can’t even tell friend from foe within our own ranks?”

  Lloyd stood there, seeming to wrestle with something. After a moment, he withdrew a folded piece of paper from his inside vest pocket. “I came to find you because this message just came in from the Allegiance. It came through on channel nineteen, broadcast wide in hopes we’d hear it.”

  Of course it had. I knew what it said. That, at least, I had a good grasp on. “From Kai, I assume?”

  Lloyd gave me a single, telling nod. “He says that you and he need to talk. As soon as possible.”

  “And?”

  “What makes you think there’s more?”

  There was no keeping the curtness out of my tone. “You wear your lies all over your face, Lloyd. Even the unspoken ones.”

  He sighed. “He wants you to come to Allegiance headquarters.”

  “What choice do I have given our current situation? If I don’t go, he could send another assassin after me.” My mouth felt dry. How many Allegiance loyalists might be lurking in our midst, disguised as freedom fighters? Who could I trust at my side in a skirmish now? “If he confirms at that meeting that he knows of Caleb’s assassination, it means there’s still a spy among us, Lloyd. And a damn good one, too.”

  “Meeting with Kai won’t go well. You can’t trust him. You know that.”

  “I know I can’t trust him. But I have to meet with him anyway. It’s our only chance to negotiate a truce.” A truce. Something that felt impossible now. But I had to try.

  “Permission to speak freely?”

  I nodded.

  “I don’t think you’re being rational at the moment.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You’d better have a point to make, Lloyd.”

  “How will a single discussion with Kai—the brother who, last I knew, wouldn’t piss on you to douse the flames if you were on fire—change anything between the Allegiance and the Resistance?”

  “I refuse to give up hope. Caleb was willing to discuss the possibility of a truce. Right up until . . .”

  Understanding passed over Lloyd’s expression then. “I had no idea Caleb had opened up to talks about ending the war.”

  Across the street, foot traffic had picked up. Hospital workers moving inside and out due to shift change. Families making their way up and down the thoroughfare. Life.

  “You’re right. I can’t trust Kai. But with Caleb dead, he’s now the leader of the Allegiance. He’s also my family, for what it’s worth. If there’s anything at all about that that means something to him, then maybe we can somehow reach an accord and put an end to this madness.” My chest ached as I sighed. “I’m tired, Lloyd. I’m tired of the fighting and the hunger and the fear. I just want it to end.”

  “We all do, sir.”

  “Gotta say, I’m not entirely convinced of that.” Through my memory flipped a hundred pictures. Kai, Caleb, and so many others in both the Allegiance and the Resistance. All faces I knew or had known. All people who could never seem to find a reason to stop fighting. “I think there are some people who are used to the chaos and thrive on the argument. I think some people would rather battle till the end just because they have too much pride to lower their weapons, stow their ambitions, and reach middle ground with the other side.”

  His voice quieted some. “I’m sure you’re right. But it takes two to stop a fight.”

  I took a drag on my cigarette, drawing heat and smoke and death into my lungs. As I put the butt out with the bottom of my boot, I said, “Fair point. But one can start the conversation that might end it.”

  I began my return with a less-than-confident step. Once I’d rounded the building and let myself in the back door, I tried not to look at the body or the pool of blood on the floor. Three soldiers were tending to the scene, and as I entered, they each greeted me in numb silence. The air smelled like copper.

  I entered my office, noting that the thin linen square, embroidered with an L, still lay on the corner of my desk. I knew it was much more than a simple piece of cloth. It was more than a gift, even. It was a part of Lia that could be with me when she couldn’t. It was her way of accompanying me into battle when she knew I wouldn’t let her. It was a symbol of the love that she felt for me, despite what I may do or say.

  Placing my palm over the cloth, I closed my fist, squeezing the handkerchief in my hand. With my eyes closed, I took in a long, slow, deep breath and released it. Then I picked up the handkerchief and tucked it inside my vest.

  Because in the end, anger—no matter how seemingly all-encompassing—was so much smaller than love would ever be.

  For what felt like the last time, I looked around my office at the desk, the maps, the trophies brought back from each triumphant battle. But I didn’t really see any of those things. All I could see was Lloyd and me laughing after pulling off a damn-near-impossible supply raid; Lia perching on the corner of my desk, a knowing smile on her face, the day I finally gathered the courage to tell her that I loved her. Memories filled the room, and I was about to leave them all behind. Because I knew that this would be the last time I’d ever stand in my office. Brother or not, Kai intended to kill me.

  From a small box in my top desk drawer, I withdrew my grandfather’s watch and clasped it around my wrist. My grandfather had been a war hero in his time. But he’d insisted until the day he died that his more important accomplishment was the way he’d treated his family, including his own brother. To him, there was no relationship more important than that of two brothers. Hellfire can’t split a brotherhood, Quinn, he’d told me on many occasions. It can singe it a bit, but burns can heal. Brotherhood is forever.

  Despite my grandfather’s words floating through my mind, I removed the box of ammunition from the same drawer and loaded two bullets into the clip of my gun. One for my brother if things got out of hand, and one for anybody who got in Lloyd’s way when he was booking it out of there on my orders. I didn’t need any more than that. I didn’t want any more than that. I never liked shooting the damn thing anyway.

  Reaching into my pocket, I withdrew the only gift I could think to leave for Lia—something she’d wanted for as long as I’d known her; something that would tell her that in the end, I loved her more than the blood in my veins. The pack of cigarettes crinkled when it hit the desktop. I was done. For Lia, for myself. No amount of nicotine could calm my nerves or bring me any sense of peace now. I was about to kill the only brother I had, or he was about to kill me.

  It was a long trek to the other side of town, where Allegiance headquarters stood. Lloyd walked at my side, his expression stoic, but I knew better. He’d been pissed when I’d refused to bring any additional support, and he, like all of us, was afraid of this building and all the people in it. He’d never say so, but we were both shaking on the inside as we moved up the front steps of what once had been city hall.

  One of the guards opened the door and gestured for us to go inside. “Wait in there. The gene
ral will be with you momentarily.”

  General. I supposed he had Lia to thank for the promotion. Before the death of Caleb, Kai had been merely a colonel. It also meant that Kai knew that Caleb was dead.

  Lloyd and I exchanged brief glances. It was strange that no one was patting us down or demanding we remove our weapons. Maybe they weren’t worried about us, even if we were armed. Maybe they were just playing mind games to convince us we weren’t a threat. All I knew was that there was no way they’d overlooked it.

  Before even stepping through the arched doorframe, I could see the baroque wallpaper, torn and faded over the years. The room was completely empty of furniture or anything that would indicate it was still in use, even as a storage facility. Above the empty space hung a large crystal chandelier. Its crystals, once reflecting every glimmer of light in a declaration of beauty, were now caked in years of dust. It had a different kind of beauty now.

  The room was empty of people, too. No guards on the inside. No cameras that I could see. The door behind us closed, but I didn’t hear a lock click. Still, a trapped-animal feeling built up inside of me. Where was Kai? What was this? I exchanged another glance with Lloyd. We didn’t need to speak out loud to hold a conversation.

  “A setup maybe?”

  “I’m not sure. Let’s give it a minute before we head back out that door.”

  “It’ll be a fight to get out of here.”

  “I know.”

  He nodded with the understanding that the only way we’d make it out of here alive was with Kai’s blessing. This was a do-or-die mission. Either we reached an accord with the new leader of the Allegiance . . . or we would die fighting for our cause. There was no in-between.

  A door at the far end of the room opened, and in stepped Kai and a single soldier. If I were a trusting person, I would’ve viewed the arrangement as a show of equality and respect. But I’d had my trust taken advantage of before.

  I could see a pistol on the soldier’s left hip, and by the bulge in his vest, I could tell he was carrying at least one more. On his right hip, in a leather sheath hanging from his belt, was a sixteen-inch kukri blade. The sheath was unsnapped for ease of access.

  Kai appeared to be unarmed, but that didn’t mean much. I’d once watched as my brother choked a man to death with his bare hands. I still woke on occasion with the image locked in my mind. Kai didn’t need to carry any weapons. Kai was a weapon.

  Lloyd and I moved forward, and when the four of us met at the center of the room, the air thickened with tension. Kai was the first to speak. “I’m surprised you came, little brother.”

  “I’m surprised I’ve been here this long without being attacked.” I did a quick sweep of the windows with my eyes. No explosive devices. No guards posted outside. “The world is full of wonders, it seems.”

  “My operatives have informed me of Caleb’s execution. Will you verify it?” As expected, he was all business.

  “Yes. Caleb is dead.” I wasn’t about to expand on the details. Especially knowing who’d done the deed.

  Kai nodded with the calm demeanor of a man who’d been privy to this information since the moment it had occurred. “He was a good man.”

  Resisting the urge to roll my eyes, I said, “On that, we disagree. Now can we move past pleasantries to discuss why we’re really here?”

  “If you insist.” Once he’d cleared his throat, he said, “Unlike my predecessor, I’m not above staging negotiations between our factions. The Allegiance has certain ideas about how we can reach common ground here in Brume, at least, and I’d like to share them with you. With luck, and patience, maybe we can set the example that brings an end to the fighting on a national level.”

  Something dark and foreboding prickled at the base of my skull. My eyes moved to the silent soldier at Kai’s side. He was standing at parade rest, hands clasped behind his back. “If you truly mean what you say about wanting peace, perhaps we should be holding this negotiation without armed mediators watching over us.”

  Kai paused, as if debating his next move. Then he gave the soldier a nod, dismissing him. The room felt somewhat lighter when the door closed, leaving just Kai, Lloyd, and me inside.

  “Look. Caleb made things more difficult than they needed to be. I’m running things now, and the truth is, I don’t want the fighting to continue. It’s gotten out of hand.” He met and held my gaze. In my mind’s eye, I saw his finger on the trigger of his gun as he walked from one member of my team to the next. I could still hear the shots ring through the air, still see their lifeless bodies crumpling to the ground. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t trust any semblance of sincerity coming from him. He was full of shit. I’d bet my life on it. “Let’s end this, Quinn. Together. We’ll be remembered as heroes.”

  I didn’t want to be a hero. I just wanted people to be able to live life as they chose, so long as it didn’t hurt anyone else. I said, “Before he died, Caleb expressed interest in eventually dividing the land so the Allegiance could have their territory and the Resistance could have theirs. Is that something you might consider?”

  Clasping his hands behind his back, Kai looked to the ceiling in thought. I wondered if he could see the beauty in the chandelier. “It’s not a terrible plan, and we may reach that stage eventually, but for now, the Allegiance would be interested in dividing Brume, setting up barriers, and seeing how that arrangement plays out.”

  “No.” I could feel Lloyd stiffen in surprise beside me. But I wasn’t going to budge on Brume’s freedom. I owed it to my people there to do all I could to achieve peace. “The Allegiance leaves Brume as a show of good faith. Then we can discuss dividing up the rest of the country.”

  After a quiet moment, Kai sighed. “I can take it to the table for discussion, but I make no promises. However, if we do get that far, I think that some sort of barrier between our territories would be best, and once a citizen aligns with the Resistance, they can never cross that border. If we make a split, it’s a permanent one. Agreed?”

  “You run your world however you want. My people just want to live free.”

  Freedom. Peace. Without and within. It was all I ever wanted.

  Stop it, Quinn.

  Kai said, “There are a lot of details we need to discuss, a lot of questions that we both need answers to. I’m sure you understand that I can’t agree to anything officially without discussing with my people. That being said, I’m glad you’ve come around.”

  I shook my head. “I haven’t come around to anything, Kai. This isn’t about the Allegiance winning.”

  The hint of an amused smile touched his lips, but just as I noticed it, it was gone again. I wondered if it had been a figment of my imagination. He was good. Very good. “Regardless . . . I like what I’m hearing. I think we can find some common ground in this.”

  Lloyd glanced my way. I didn’t have to meet his gaze to know what he was thinking. This is too easy. Dangerously easy.

  He was right. “What do Mom and Dad think about your willingness to find ‘common ground’? Did you coerce them into thinking it was a good idea like you coerced them into leaving the Resistance in the first place?”

  “I didn’t coerce anyone, little brother. Our parents realized they’d made a huge mistake and joined the Allegiance in an effort to correct that mistake. If you had any family loyalty at all, you would’ve come with them. But no. You chose to stay. All so you could reap the fame and fortune of becoming the so-called face of the Resistance. Well done, Quinn. Well done.” He clapped his hands together slowly in mock applause. He clenched his jaw. Finally, an honest emotional response.

  The idea that he could reduce the destruction of our family to a single moment in time set my insides on fire with anger. “You think that’s why I stayed? I stayed because I wanted a better life for everyone. Including them. Including you. I stayed because I wasn’t arrogant enough to think that I matter more than anyone else.”

  Kai shook his head. “That’s not what it means to be part of th
e Allegiance.”

  “Isn’t it, though?” I could feel Lloyd’s eyes on me, pleading with me to stop, but I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. If I was going to die here, I wasn’t going to die with my feelings bottled up inside of me. “Would a person of color’s voice be heard in the Allegiance? Would a queer person be regarded with respect? Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining, Kai. We both know that your so-called Allegiance is a machine created to control people and force society to conform to your fucked-up ideals. You feed on bigotry. And fascism is just a way of life for you all. That’s why I stayed behind, brother. That’s why it sickens me to see you standing there, a general of a goddamn dictatorial regime.”

  Small droplets of sweat glistened on his brow. I was getting to him. He snapped, “You don’t get to decide what anyone else’s life should be like.”

  The general of the Allegiance was preaching against his own doctrine. Who was the hypocrite now? “Neither do you.”

  He was refusing to look me in the eye. From his inside jacket pocket, he retrieved a handkerchief. White linen. Lace edges. An embroidered letter on one corner. As he dabbed the sweat from his bow, I saw it was the letter L.

  Noticing where my attention was directed, Kai straightened and placed a kiss on the piece of cloth before tucking it back inside his jacket. “A gift from the woman I love.”

  My chest grew so tight that it hurt. I wondered if a person could actually feel their heart breaking. “I had one of those once.”

  “But did you really?” A smirk settled on Kai’s lips. “Lia sends her regards, by the way.”

  Lia? My Lia? But how? She was back at base, in handcuffs and well guarded, I was certain. “What are you talking about?”

  “It was a shame when Collins went rogue and tried to kill you before our plan was carried out. But I must say, I’ve been delighted with Lia’s work.”

  Lia.

  Lia was the spy.

  My heart shattered, its splinters scraping at my insides until I thought I might go mad from the pain of heartbreak.