Into the Real Read online

  I raked my hair back from my face with my free hand. “Which . . . which is real?”

  He pointed his cigarette at me, and ashes fell from the end. “They all are. That’s the beauty of it. They’re all as real as real can get. But only one can be yours.”

  My throat dried. “You mean I have a choice?”

  “Only in which monsters you’ll live with. Some things may seem like variables, when in fact they are unchangeable.”

  “What things?”

  His smile curled. “The fact that you are genderqueer, or Other, as you’ve thought of it here. You must decide in which world you would prefer to exist. A world where you are female and your family is alive and well, but your parents will never accept a queer child as their own. A world where you are male and command the respect of many, but risk living under the rule of a group that wishes to snuff out the queer of society. Or a world full of monsters and mayhem, where your family is dead, but gender doesn’t matter. Only you can choose your path. Only you can decide if the price of a closet is worth it.”

  “That can’t be true. This is all a trick. Only one world is real. One life. It has to be.” My hand found my pistol, but somehow, I knew that a bullet would mean nothing to the man—the creature—standing in front of me. Nevertheless, I pulled it from the holster and aimed the weapon at his head. “Which life is mine?”

  “None of them.” He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against the barrel. A childlike glint reflected in his eyes. He was daring me.

  “You’re lying.”

  “All of them.” He closed his eyes, and for a moment, a look of absolute serenity washed over him. I wondered if this man, this . . . thing . . . was capable of death. If not, was he daydreaming about what it might be like now?

  “They can’t all be real. That would be . . .” Realization filled me like a splash of frigid water on my face. I lowered my gun. “. . . a paradox.”

  “Putting it in the most scientific of terms . . . you’d be fucked.”

  Kai’s voice entered my mind, but not the Kai I knew here—and not the Kai I’d known in the life fraught with Rippers. A different Kai. One who was still alive and still the brother I knew and loved, who loved me as well. No matter what.

  The corners of the Stranger’s mouth twitched into something resembling a smile. On his forehead was a small circle impression of my gun’s barrel. “An interesting theory.”

  My head was spinning. “That’s what this is, isn’t it? Three Brumes. Three versions of myself. Three lives. All real. Something that cannot possibly exist.”

  “But they do exist. You exist.” He raised an eyebrow. His impish smile remained. “Don’t you?”

  “How can I resolve a paradox?” The question was more to myself than him. In my memory floated Kai’s response. “That’s the essence of a paradox—it cannot be solved. It essentially asks a question that cannot be answered.”

  There was only one question that existed in each of the three Brumes, and Coe had laid it out for me. But even if the question lying at the heart of my situation was my gender identity, I had no clue what resolving the paradox would look like.

  “You’re going to be surprised when all is said and done.” The Stranger spoke as if he’d already experienced this moment—all these moments combined. He spoke as if this were the past and he was well aware of what the future would bring.

  I snapped my eyes to his with an eagerness I couldn’t deny. “Then I do it? At some point, I choose which life to live?”

  “You have. You haven’t. You will. And you won’t. But the key is . . . you can . . . and you must.” He took a long, slow drag on his cigarette before dropping it to the ground and crushing it with the toe of his boot. As he returned his eyes to mine, with a casual tone, he said, “Watch your head.”

  Confusion filled me. I opened my mouth to question him—

  10

  —the bright pain brought with it the sensation of lightning crackling through my skull. I jolted awake and scrambled to get my bearings. I didn’t have long to recognize that Lloyd and two of his followers had managed to track Caleb and me down before Lloyd drew his foot back and kicked me in the head again, the steel toe of his boot slamming against my temple this time. The world tilted on its edge for a moment but righted itself before I could lose consciousness. The vignette that darkened my field of vision faded out after a moment. My hair was wet with what could only be blood.

  Standing over me, in a circle, were Lloyd and his brutes. It took a moment to recall the house we were in. Caleb and I had found it late last night and fallen asleep. The ceiling above the gang members was as gray as the fog around town. I pictured myself floating up and through it, higher and higher until I was among the stars. Free.

  But freedom always came with a price.

  “For freedom.”

  A voice so familiar to me that it might have been my own. The words felt as if I’d spoken them before. To Lloyd. But how could that be?

  Because we’re friends, I thought. Not here, but in that other Brume. The one I remember when I’m sleeping but forget upon waking. The Brume where I present as male and Lloyd is my most trusted ally.

  Crouching down beside me, Lloyd said, “Rise and shine, asshole.”

  I rolled my head to the right, looking for Caleb. My vision was wonky, but I could make out the two people holding Caleb at bay. Susan, I thought. Collins too. Caleb’s body hung limply, as if he’d been beaten pretty badly. I wondered how long they’d been at him before waking me. It felt like my brain was sloshing around freely inside my skull. Caleb winced when Collins gave his hair a tug.

  Lloyd’s eyes flashed with delirious fury. “Ten of my people, ten of my family, died because of you. Maybe it was the Unseen Hands that did the killing, but you put them in that position, Quinn. And I don’t forgive easily. No one messes with family.”

  Sliding my hand down my side, I reached for my gun. But it was gone. My holster was missing as well. Panic began to rise up within me until I remembered which Brume I was in. Here I had a bat for a weapon. A bat that was who-knows-where at the moment. I needed another method of defense, and I needed it now.

  Glancing around, I saw nothing in reach to hit him with. All I had were words. “Listen, you insufferable prick. It wasn’t my fault they died, and you know it. Now let us go. No harm, no foul.”

  His face turned red with hatred. The whites of his eyes were bloodshot. He had the look of a man unhinged. I wondered if he’d been dipping into more of that bathtub gin. He screamed, “But there is harm! There was foul! You have to pay for what you did. I don’t make the rules here in Brume, Quinn. I just enforce them.”

  There were rules in Brume. Unspoken ones. The most important being that Brume was scary enough without violence against other people. If you were going to hurt someone, they damn well better have it coming. It was the Unseen Hands that had killed his people, not me. So Lloyd had already broken that rule, and the look on his face said he was about to break it again.

  He drew his foot back to kick me again, and I squirmed as much as I could across the floor to escape him. His jaw was clenched, his eyes ablaze, and I knew in that moment that Lloyd intended to kill me.

  An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. A life for a life.

  His boots made solid thumps on the floor as he approached, sliding his knife from its holster. He crouched down beside me and put the tip of it to my throat. “Even after I kill you, you owe me nine times over, Quinn. Nine lives. Well . . . eight, once I take care of Lia. When I’m done with you, I’m going back to where I’ve put her to finish the job. That is, if she’s still alive when I get to her.”

  My heart shot into my throat. A mixture of fear and relief washed over me. Lia wasn’t dead. Not yet. She’d been taken by Lloyd. Which meant that Caleb and I could save her. If we got out of here alive. “Where is she?”

  “I don’t have to tell you that. Just know that I’m going to take my time hurting her.” He climbed on top of me, his w
eight cementing me to the floor, and pressed the blade in, breaking skin.

  From the corner of my eye, I noticed that Susan had a crossbow slung over her shoulder. Lia’s crossbow. On her thigh, she wore Lia’s quiver. There was only one arrow left. “I didn’t kill anyone, Lloyd. I was just trying to get free. It’s not my fault the Unseen Hands attacked. I don’t control them. I’m sorry your friends died, but killing me and Lia won’t bring them back.”

  “Maybe not. But I’ll sleep better knowing I avenged their deaths.”

  My face grew hot with anger. I shouted at him, not caring that his knife sank deeper into my flesh as I did so. “Where is she, you fuck?!”

  The corners of his mouth curled up in a sadistic smile. “She’s in the one place you’ll never be able to reach her. In fact, the only ones besides us who can reach her . . . are the Unseen Hands.”

  The window behind Susan shattered as gray talons smashed through it. An enormous creature, still hovering above the ground, seized her by the shoulders, puncturing its claws through her flesh, beneath her collarbones. Gripping her tight, the beast flapped its ashen, skin-covered wings. Susan screamed, dropping the crossbow. As she wriggled, the thing opened its mouth and emitted a sound—one exactly like the scream that had just come from Susan’s mouth. It yanked her out the window and flew off, their matching screams comingling into one terrified cry.

  Before I could wrap my head around what had happened—a Screamer! Oh God, that was a Screamer!—a terrible popping sound ripped through the air and speckles of wet heat spattered the side of my face. It was only when I looked at Lloyd that I realized it was blood. We both froze and turned our heads to see where it had come from. Where Collins had once stood was now just a puddle of blood, and small bits of meat and bone. From the darkness of the fireplace, the Unseen Hands had snatched Collins’s life away.

  In the center of a pool of Susan’s blood lay a single arrow. It must’ve fallen out of Lia’s quiver as the Screamer had taken Susan for its next meal.

  Caleb hurried to his feet, flashing me a look of terror and surprise. I threw a nod to the door and he bolted. Balling up my fist, I punched Lloyd hard in his Adam’s apple. He made an inhuman sound, clutching his throat, but still didn’t budge from on top of me. Thrusting my hands forward, I dug my thumbs into his eyes. With a string of obscenities dripping from his lips, he backed away. Scrambling to my feet, I snatched up Lia’s blood-covered crossbow and arrow, and then took off in the direction Caleb had run. Across the room, through the house, and out the door.

  Behind me, Lloyd cursed my name. “Run and hide for now, Quinn! I’m going to kill you and your friends, and you’ll never see it coming!”

  His words gave me pause. It wasn’t an empty threat. So long as Lloyd was alive, our lives were in danger.

  Caleb saw that I had stopped in my tracks, and he turned back to grab me, tugging on my arm. “Quinn, come on! We have to find somewhere to hide!”

  From inside the house, I heard the creaking of Lloyd’s feet on the stairs. He was coming for us. “You can’t hide forever, Quinn! Sooner or later, I’ll find you. I’ll gut you and your little boyfriend and then finish off Lia too.”

  He was laughing, and the tinny sound of it felt like a rusty nail dragging across something metal.

  Loading the crossbow, I locked eyes on the door. My jaw was tight with determination.

  From behind me, in a shaky voice, Caleb said, “My God, Quinn. What are you doing?”

  Lloyd exited the front door, a grin on his face, his Adam’s apple already swollen. He stared me down, hardly seeming to care that I had an arrow cocked and ready. Maybe he didn’t think I had the guts. Maybe I wondered if he was right. “I could skin Lia. Use her hide for leather. What do you think, Quinn? I could use a new bag.”

  I knew Lloyd’s gang meant a lot to him. I knew he didn’t take betrayal lightly. I even knew how much he’d wanted me to join his group. But I’d had no idea how fragile his grip on sanity and human decency was until now. I’d be doing the world a favor. I could save all our lives with a pull of the trigger.

  I could do it. I could kill him.

  I raised the crossbow and aimed, then fired. The arrow whipped through the air and hit my mark, piercing Lloyd’s shoulder, pinning him to the front door.

  Maybe Lloyd would’ve killed me if our roles had been reversed. But I wasn’t Lloyd. I was better than him.

  After a brief cry, he erupted in laughter. “You think a little shoulder wound is going to stop me? I’ll never stop. Not until you get what’s coming to you.”

  My jaw felt tense. “Tell me where you’re keeping her.”

  “Hmm.” He cocked his head to one side in mock consideration. “No.”

  I tried to muster the patience and empathy I remembered having in another Brume—the one where my parents sent me to that awful camp, and I just kept forgiving them, kept wanting to understand things from their point of view. But something in me snapped, and the warrior fury I’d felt when storming Allegiance HQ took over. I remembered it, remembered it all. I was neither of those Quinns. Neither . . . and both.

  My steps were sure as I headed straight for Lloyd. I dropped the crossbow on the porch before gripping his shirt collar in one hand and the arrow in the other. I pulled him hard to me, twisting the arrow some. He winced at the pain but did not scream. Fresh blood moistened his shirt. I said, “Last chance, Lloyd. Tell me where Lia is.”

  “Last chance before you’ll do what exactly? You bore me, Quinn.”

  I looked at him—really looked—and tried to see the ally he’d been to me at Camp Redemption, the friend he’d been to me throughout the war. I wondered if the man in front of me could recall any of the other Lloyds, the way I recalled the other Quinns. But even if he did, that was his journey. Not mine. If he ever uncovered the existence of all three Brumes, maybe he’d grow as a person. Maybe not. That wasn’t for me to figure out. I had my own life to live, and he had his. Hopefully he’d live it better from here on out.

  I gave him a hard shove and stepped off the porch, moving toward Caleb. The concern in Caleb’s expression was washed quickly away by fear, paling his skin. I turned back to the house just in time to see Lloyd wrenching his shoulder free. He shouted and cupped the wound with a shaking hand, but the pain didn’t register in his eyes—only the thirst for vengeance. Behind him, still embedded in the door, was the arrow. Liquid dripped from the feathers like horrific raindrops.

  Panic welled in my chest. “Caleb! Run!”

  It happened so fast it barely registered in my mind. One moment, Lloyd was ripping the arrow from the door and loading the crossbow. The next, he was pointing the weapon at my head. He pulled the trigger. Tiny droplets of blood dabbed my ear as the arrow flew by, just missing me. Lloyd moved at me fast, a wild, unhinged look in his eyes. Maybe I should have run, but all I could think about was getting Caleb to a safe distance. “Lloyd, stop! We can talk about this!”

  “We’re done talking.” He lunged at me, grabbing me by the throat. “And you’re done breathing.”

  He gripped me tight and squeezed until my head swam. The urge to cough filled me, but I couldn’t. I could draw no breath in, and had no breath to blow out. He tightened his hand, choking me. There was nothing human lurking in his expression now. Only animalistic want to take down his prey. I clawed at his fingers in a desperate attempt to free myself, but to no avail. Black dots filled my vision. I was losing consciousness.

  Suddenly, he relaxed his grip, but only enough for me to wriggle free. Fresh blood dripped from his hairline to his cheek. As I scrambled away, I noticed a bloody rock on the ground. Lloyd stared across the yard at Caleb, who was looking more scared, I thought, than he had the night we’d killed that Ripper. Scared or not, Caleb plucked another rock from the ground. “Let them go, asshole!”

  My throat burned. Several coughs ripped through me. I had to fight to keep my breathing deep and steady so I wouldn’t pass out. My legs felt like jelly. Standing wasn’t an optio
n, so I crawled away as fast as I could.

  A hand, hot and firm, grabbed my ankle and pulled. Lloyd had me. And he was going to kill me.

  In the grass ahead of me lay a rusted hammer, and I grabbed it instinctively, with no thought or plan.

  Lloyd gripped the back of my hoodie and yanked me from the ground, his voice an inhuman growl. “Good afternoon, Quinn. You’re going to die today.”

  I didn’t know how it happened, exactly. One moment, the hammer was high above my head. The next, its claw was buried in Lloyd’s neck. In a moment that might have been comical if it weren’t so horrible, Lloyd and I exchanged a look of surprise, as if neither of us could believe what I’d done. Lloyd gripped the handle in desperation and pulled the hammer free. His chest was instantly covered in deep crimson. There was no saving him now. Not even if I wanted to.

  His face paling fast, he opened his mouth to speak, but only a terrible gurgling sound came out. I couldn’t tear my horrified gaze away from his face. I’d just killed a man. I’d tried so hard not to let the monstrousness of this Brume pull me under—I tried so hard to escape—but in the end, I really was a monster after all.

  I plucked the gore-covered hammer from the ground and stared at it in a petrified daze. From somewhere nearby that sounded far away, a voice said, “Come on, Quinn. It’s over. Let’s get out of here. It’ll be okay. I promise. It’ll be okay.”

  I could only assume that the voice belonged to Caleb. Everything but the slow sound of Lloyd’s blood as it dripped from his neck to the puddle on the ground beneath him was white noise. His eyes glazed over with the absence of a soul. Lloyd was dead. I’d killed him.

  And I was certain that the Stranger, Coe, whoever, whatever he was, had seen everything.

  He’d seen me. He’d seen everything I’d done.

  9